My little parody
by The Blind Guardian
Summary: it is based on a real story, it is funny and its a parody, what more can i say? just read it and tell me if you like it i think its worth a try...:)
1. Chapter one or my miseries list

A: N/ I own no Middle earth place or Character!  
  
Dear Readers this is a new story, it is unlike any other I had written because it has my own pain in it.:) I do hope you'll enjoy this story and understand that it is not a fan fiction but a pure parody! But I shall speak (write.) no more, you should read for yourself and judge.  
  
Dedicated to Yulia and Efrat who had encouraged me to re write this wee evil piece.:)  
  
My little Parody.  
  
Based on a real story :)  
  
Chapter one or "my miseries list"  
  
Bars, Discos, Restaurants, Cafes. All the sweet smells of the Metropolis, the drunken men sleeping on the benches, the colorful prostitutes respectfully earning their money on the boulevards, the thieves, the maniacs, the youth. All these beautiful symbols of the big city passed me by as I, regretfully toeing behind a cheerful company of eager teenagers, which were also known by the title: "friends", made my way through the dreary crowed that filled the main street of the busy capital.  
  
We were looking for a place to "hang out" as you call it these days, to sit and relax, maybe have a drink or two, even three if the sober mind and the empty pocket will allow it. But alas, nothing seemed to fit our likings, and we were desperately roaming the city, entering every single bar that opened its doors to us.  
  
I was walking by myself, behind, in the rear, as I have told you, when suddenly Flora Sue, one of the youngest creatures in our little 'Gang' appeared at my side.  
  
"Hey Lori! Listen I have to talk to ya! I feel that you are the only one who truly understands me when it comes to this subject, ya know, 'cause you used to be one -"  
  
Pause. Stop the tape.  
  
Let me tell you just a little bit about who I was and what that little wretch was talking about.  
  
You see, I was a Goth once, yes, a Goth. You know, those freaky beings dressed in black, with those white faces and terrifying satanic jewelry who look as if they had just walked out of the concert of "The Vampire Lestat"?  
  
Well, that was I, and I was very happy indeed, as only a true Goth can be, only when it rained.  
  
But my quiet, happy days of agony were drawing to their hair-rising end when, in my own living room (!) the little gout had tolled me she really, really wanted to be gothic, it really fitted her moods, you see, it was the way she felt right now, she felt gothic, truly gothic! Then she asked me what being Gothic means.  
  
I really, really, with all my heart and strength, wanted to through a shoe at her.  
  
But with the loss of my unique identity I was not utterly dead to the world. I simply gained some experience and wisdom and had successfully recovered from the painful, heartbreaking lack of uniqueness.  
  
I have found myself another identity! One that Flora Sue could not so easily snatch from my gentle hands and claim as her own!  
  
I became a true fan of elvish style. I spoke Quenya and Sinderin, I wore clothes that granted me the looks of an Elf maiden, and I even had a little wooden crown upon my brow that made my ears pointed. But the best part of it all, the piece de resistance, was that little Flora Sue could not copy my new lifestyle and me only because she had short hair!  
  
I was unique again, and happy.  
  
"- I really feel that life is dark and gloomy, I feel the darkness had consumed my life and all of it is-"  
  
Well, back to the story and back to the dark minutes I had in life when Flora Sue was muttering cheap teenage philosophy in my delicate ears.  
  
I scowled, I gritted my teeth, but I endured all this and took it like a man! I nodded wearily, pretending that I was very interested and listening.  
  
In my troubled mind I cursed my self for joining this zoo, I swore like a porter, I think I even mentally slapped my self, but I'm not sure, I was so lost in thought.  
  
And due to that intensive thinking and total denial of the world around me, I did not see the huge pit in the middle of the sidewalk, and neither did Flora Sue, as it seemed for she had fallen to the pit first, clutching forcefully to my black velvet cloak that hung to the very floor, pulling me down together with her. And so we fell, two black clad screaming figures, further on to the endless unknown.  
  
A: N/ well, tell me what you think, did you like it, did you hate it?! Any way, soon, very soon I shall continue the story!  
  
Just incase you've wondered Lori is not my true name.  
  
Yours, The Blind Guardian. 


	2. Chapter two or Merry Introduction

A:N/ nope, still don't own Middle earth.  
  
Hey all! So.thank you for the lovely reviews! It means so, so very much to me, it really does!  
Enjoy the chapter!  
  
Chapter two or "merry introduction"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Boom.  
  
I do not know what ailed me more, the hideous bump that my ass got as I landed on it in the middle of a beautiful green meadow, or Flora Sue, who somehow managed to fall on top of me as she came flying down from the sky with a terrible battle cry of a plucked old cat on heat.  
  
"I think I've broken something" I moaned in pain, as I tried to get up and look around. The beautiful green meadow was mesmerizing and enchanting, as if it possessed a magical veil that it cast upon the weary hearts and the eyes of the wonderers that came across this beauty. The skies above us were painted in clear blue, and the sun shone brightly from afar. I tightened my velvet cloak around myself for the mighty wind blew carelessly about and it was quite cold. As I turned around to see how Flora Sue was faring I suddenly realized that we were not the only beings that were enjoying the meadow's beauty. At first I thought that insanity had finally caught up with me, but the arrow's head that was pointed at my chest confirmed me that I was yet in a normal state of mind. A pathetic whimper from the direction of Flora Sue informed me that Luck wasn't grinning wider at her than it did at me.  
  
I swallowed hard and lifted my head to look at my executioner. The sight that greeted me, however, was even more traitorous to my mental self than the formal reason of my doubting.  
  
The first thing I saw were beautiful sea blue eyes that dug so mercilessly into my mind. As the slight shock passed I could see the face that harbored these deep pulls of crystal and the lucks that framed it. I think I stopped breathing for a while as I could not move or speak, as I simply continued staring into this face that was surpassingly fair. It seemed that light had surrounded the wonderful creature.  
  
I never realized how fair Elves really were. For that what this creature was, an Elf, a beautiful Blonde Elf with deep blue eyes, a bow and a long white Elven blade that was stuck in his brown belt.  
  
I was trembling all over as realization dawned on me. I forced my self to look at the other companions of the Elf and came to a very psychedelic conclusion: we were facing no others but the true, original Fellowship of the Ring.  
  
Slowly I turned my head to look at Flora Sue. She had the tip of Aragorn's sword directed at her throat and was shaking even more violently than I.  
  
"Do you think they are servants of the dark Lord?" asked one of the hobbits, whom I had recognized as Pippin for he looked the youngest among them. Aragorn, who had heard Pippin's remark, measured us with his grey eyes.  
  
"Are you, strangers? Are you servants of the dark Lord?" he asked.  
  
I was going to greet them all in Sinderin, to say that we are no servants, especially not to Sauron the deceiver, I was going to tell them that we wish them a good journey and that we come in peace, but Flora Sue, with her 'Gothic' heart.well, she ruined it all.  
  
"Dark Lord?? Wow! Cool!" she cried and smiled at them.  
  
I sighed, moved the Arrow from my chest; muttered "one moment please" to the surprised Elf, and bitch slapped Flora Sue.  
  
"Are you Insane?!" I cried at the miserable girl who stood in front of me, nursing her cheek.  
  
"No Lori! You are! Why did you have to slap me so hard?" she wailed, causing the poor Elf to grimace.  
  
"Urge!" I cried and turned back to the Fellowship.  
  
"Look, Mellyn nin" I said and tried to put on my most ravishing smile, a thing that, however, did not impress The Elf and the ranger who continued to look at me with blank expressions on their faces. "Tough crowd" I murmured and sighed again "Look.we are no servants of the dark Lord.we are simply.lost".  
  
Legolas and Aragorn exchanged glances.  
  
"What do you mean by Lost?" asked the Elf, with a voice as pure as the sound of music.  
  
"I mean that we do not know how to return to our world- er, I mean home" I said and heaved. This was going nowhere! I could not do anything to save our souls and bodies from certain death, as I could not convince the Fellowship that we were not some eager Sauron groupies, and I hade absolutely no idea how to get us back to our real world where our friends were roaming the city, looking for a place to relax and have some good time. Suddenly getting very drunk in some local bar with Flora Sue and the rest of the gang did not seem so bad at all.  
  
"Listen to me, please! We have no dealings with the Dark Lord, he is of no interest to us!" I cried desperately. Flora Sue, who had understood that Dark Lord equaled big No-No, nodded hysterically and exclaimed: "We? Dark Lord? No! Never!" then she turned at me and innocently asked who was that poor chap who happened to be so dark.  
  
I slowly closed my eyes and shook my head in disbelief.  
  
"I understand that you have never touched a book in your life and that is why you have never read this book, but have you at least seen the movies?!" I shouted so load that the hobbits shrank in Fear and hid behind Boromir and Gimli.  
  
"Of Course I have!" she cried defensively "I have seen them many times!"  
  
I smiled an evil smile, one that smelled of sweet poison.  
  
"Oh yes?" I asked in a tone that was dipped in honey and pointed at Legolas "So tell me, my dear, what's Blondie's name?"  
  
It was time for revenge!  
  
You see, since the release of the first film in the trilogy of "The Lord of the rings", my best friend Apolloni and I have given a new name to the Prince of Mirkwood, we have called him Blondie. He was no longer Legolas to us, as if his own Father, the mighty King Thranduil, had given him that name in birth with the grave words: "now thou art born, my son, and I thereby name thee Blondie, for such is the wish of the powerful Lorianna and Apollonia!"  
  
Well, at any rate, 'Blondie' was our little private joke, as you may say, our own creation and nourished child. He was our weak spot, our object of love and devotion, our reason to live.  
  
One shiny day, as I sat in the hall called by the students and teachers 'The Living Room' (We had a private school.) and watched The Fellowship of the Ring, Flora Sue stormed in and at the sight of Orlando Bloom in a blond wig she shrieked with joy and bounced, declaring that 'we', Meaning her and me, must go 'together' to the premier of the second film and sigh and drool when, hmmm, 'our Blondie' appears on the wide screen.  
  
It is needless to say that I had nearly returned my soul to its creator.  
  
This of course, as you may have guessed, was a heavy blow upon my already weakened Heart. The loss of identity to a little wretch I could still endure, but the loss of my only child! This was too much! I had to reclaim my life and return it to the safekeeping I liked to call: 'myself'!  
  
I have spent much time in the shadows, planning my revenge on the little goat. I waited until the right moment would come rolling into my outstretched claws, I wanted it to be as sweet as the red wine I liked to sip when I sat at the table at evenings with the dinner laid before me, untouched.  
  
And so it came.ah, sweet anticipation.  
  
It was defiantly time for revenge!  
  
Flora Sue looked in distress at me, then at Legolas, and then at me again. She had no clue! She had absolutely no clue! Blondie was ours again! I had reclaimed our baby and brought him back home to us. Apolloni would be very proud.  
  
As I thought of her a sharp pain pierced my heart. But what if I will never get to see her again? What if I waist my time to try and find a way out of here on Flora Sue and my stupid meaningless revenge?? With a heavy sigh and a wave of my hand I let the matter of Blondie drop and began to think of the short years that were given to us to spend on our planet, of how I could have done thousands of things before my grievous end and of how I never tolled my mother how much I really loved her.  
  
But as I pondered the meaning of life, of death and the afterworld, solution jumped in front of my eyes and turned on the tiny light bulb in my brain! How could I not think of it before?? When it was so plain and simple!  
  
"Legolas- may I call you Legolas, My Prince?" I glanced seriously at the Fear stricken Elf who nodded with a gap.  
  
"Good. Listen to me Legolas, we are lost, we need to find a way to return to our home, and I think that you can help us" I spoke gravely as all the other members of the fellowship were turning white one after the other.  
  
"Ho-how?" stammered the Green Leaf.  
  
I exhaled loudly and closed my eyes, joining my hands as if in prayer.  
  
"Here me now, children of Arda! We have come to guide you on your Journey. I am Lorianna the seer, and my companion is Flora the.Sue!"  
  
To that they all gasped and were filled with awe, for non really knew what was the meaning of Sue and what old language was the barer of such strange a word, but I am sure they thought it was something of great might and strength. I had opened my eyes and looked at them all.  
  
"You must take us with us" I said "for so we can repay our debts to the Valar by helping you and return to our home"  
  
Well, you can say that it was a pathetic Drama that I had organized there, but what could I do?! I had to earn some time to realize how to get out of here. Besides, I could describe my self as a seer; after all I had read the books.  
  
Legolas had turned to Aragorn with anxiety in his eyes "The Valar! They have not forgotten the Fellowship! They have returned hope to us when we thought it had died with Mithrandir in Moria!"  
  
Aragorn nodded and looked at Flora Sue and me, I could see he was still suspicious.  
  
"What debts have you to the mighty Valar?" he asked.  
  
I came up with best answer I could think of.  
  
"I cannot tell you my son, such debts are too heavy for a mortal heart to carry. Even the Elves bent under the weight of such deeds" I whispered and hung my head in despair.  
  
Aragorn nodded again, as if to say: «I hear ye, sister" and turned to Boromir who was listening attentively all the time.  
  
"Boromir, please, hand me the swords"  
  
The son f Gondor had pulled out a heavy bundle out of Gimli's beg and handed it to the ranger who unfolded it and reviled two glittering Elven blades. "These are swords from the days of the last alliance when men and Elves fought side by side" he said.  
  
I thought I was about to burst into tears of happiness. Me, carrying an Elven blade from the days of the last alliance? Oh where was Beethoven with his "Ode To Joy" now?? It would have described my feelings so well!  
  
Flora Sue turned at me and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Hey, Lori, where are we going?"  
  
I raised my palm to silence here as I examined the blade in my hand.  
  
"Shh! I am trying to earn some time until I could think of a way to get out of here.if I do not find a way soon then we will probably go and visit your dark chap." Flora gasped and shrunk.  
  
"Oh dear me! You better think of something Lori, because I have the feeling that this Dark guy is not at all nice and hospitable"  
  
I rolled my eyes and sighed. Was there an end to my miseries??  
  
"No, he isn't, in fact, he is so horrible that he eats little bunnies!" I said and emphasized the bunny slaying. It is quite true that I had left the part that Sauron was a gigantic eye boll that could eat nothing out, but hey, she would not have noticed it any ways.  
  
Flora Sue wailed in Horror and covered her face.  
  
"No!"  
  
I was about to answer and scare the life out of her with the saying that he also buys his clothes at the local market place but Aragorn interfered us saying that we must move on with haste to Lothlorien where he hoped will be aid for us from the Elves.  
  
I must have underestimated Flora Sue, for she had bounced in her place and cried:" wow! Lothlorien, we are going to see Dir-Dir or what's his name!"  
  
I do not know what astonished me more. The fact that she actually remembered what Lothlorien was and who were its habitants but could not remember any part that contained a Dark Lord in it or the fact that she had just called the March Warden of the Northern borders Dir-Dir. I again rolled my eyes and shook my head.  
  
"His name is Haldir and he will probably shoot an Arrow through you little ass if you would call him Dir-Dir in his presence" I muttered to her so that no one could hear us. It however did not bring down her cheerful mood as she walked before Legolas with a cat like sway of her behind.  
  
I again shook my head and sunk into pondering. I tried to find a way to get out of Middle Earth before we had to stand and defend ourselves with weapons that we defiantly could not wield.  
  
"Oh Ye Gods." I muttered to myself as I walked in the rear, pondering the strange ways of the universe.  
  
A: N/ Mellyn nin (Sinderin): my Friends.  
  
Well I hope you liked this chapter.:)  
  
Yours, The Blind Guardian. 


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